Reflections
by Aibhlin37
Summary: Each chapter will deal with a characters POV during a particularly difficult or trying time in his/her life
1. BRIAN

Title: Reflection  
Author: EV  
e-mail: EVLYN827@cs.com  
summary: POV: Brian deals with his guilt.  
Spoilers: Season 1-episode 22 and Season 2-episode 1  
Disclaimer: I have no claim to the characters--just the voices that live in my head.  
Thanks: To Debi--who understands my apprehension at plunging forth into unfamiliar territory.  
And to Michael Easton, who's book of poems, Eighteen Straight Whiskeys was an inspiration to write a POV fic.  
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I still feel dirty. The glass feels cool against my forehead, a welcomed relief from the sweat inducing atmosphere of Babylon. You look the same. Same as last night--and the night before. You look peaceful lying there. The imagined warmth of your hospital bed is a stark contrast to the coldness of the cement. I still feel it. I still see it--see you lying there. You can't remember--I can't forget. The blood stains have vanished from your pale skin, the traces of violence seemingly washed away. I still feel dirty.  
  
I should have known. I should have seen this coming. Bad news. I didn't think when I saw you that night washed in the glow of the street lamp that I'd be looking at you again...like this. I saw you as a conquest--another notch in the Brian Kinney belt of honor--nothing more. It's never been anything more--for me. After all, better men than you have not been as fortunate. Other men? Other boys. You're were a boy. I was a man. I am a man. I should have known.  
  
Blame me for what's happened to you. Your mother blames me. What is it that you wanted from me? What can I give you? Sex. A fuck. Your first fuck. Entrance into the "boys club". If not me--than someone else. Someone else would have fucked you. That's not special. But it's become special--to you. To me? If I hadn't seen you that night, outside of Babylon, some other predator would have shown you the way. Would he be standing here now instead of me? You picked me. Or, I chose you. I can't remember. You wanted to be fucked and I gave you exactly what you wanted. But not this. You wanted the best...can't blame you. Blame me.  
  
Nothing stops it. Life goes on. The "munchers" saw to that. A part of Brian Kinney will live on forever through him. Do you remember the night he was born? You celebrated with me. That was the night you were born--into this life. Born into this living hell. This nightmare that I created for you. The denial that you live with at home. The confusion that you live with at school. The fear that you live with on the street. The possibility that things will change. The hope that ignorance will end. The reality that life does go on. Regardless. Nothing stops it.   
  
Damn it. You're tossing in you sleep again. Tossing and turning on store bought pillows. Dreaming? Are you reliving that night over and over again while you sleep? I do. Nightmares befall us all. I know. I see you in my dreams-- I see him coming after you. But, there is no time--he is moving to fast and you are too far away. I run. But, there's no time to stop it. I hear the crack of the bat. I wake up sweating, unable to breathe. I prefer to fall asleep that way. If I held you, would you settle? Would you feel comforted by my touch or would my presence be a reminder of why you are here? Damn it.  
  
I need nothing. Neither should you. I need no one. Neither should you. Grow up for Christ's sake! Stand up. Be a man. Be a man without me. That's what I had to do. But you're just a boy aren't you? I have a child. I have a son. I take care of him. I write a check. I don't DO boyfriends. I told you that--from the beginning. I don't DO relationships. I never lied to you. Why am I here? I'm here because I think you need me. I'm not your occupational therapist. I'm not your trauma specialist. I'm not even your God damned mother sitting there holding your hand. I'm here because I can't fix this with money. Is there a difference between wanting and needing? Do you need me or do you want me? I have what I want. I need nothing.  
  
Do you know that I'm here? The lights are dim. The darkness gives me comfort. Content with not having to say anything. I can see you--watch you. You can't see me. It's better this way. If you knew--you'd think the wrong thing. You'd think that I wanted to be here. I don't. You'd think that it means something. It doesn't. I know that it doesn't. Do you? I thought that I was the best thing that could have happened to you. Maybe you are the best thing that has happened to me. It hurts for me to think about you. I can't explain the pain. It's new to me. I know that I'm alive. I feel alive. I watch you sleep--every night for the past six weeks. Do you know that I'm here?   
  
I want you to be strong. I need you to be independent. I want to give you back your youth--your childhood. I want to give you back your life. Your own life, not mine. I took your sweet dreams and gave you back nightmares. There is no substitute for holding in the pain. Sometimes I think you know why I do the things I do. Do you know that I miss you? Okay, I said it. I want to see you happy. I want to see you smile. You turned and smiled at me in the parking garage. Then I knew why Debby calls you "Sunshine". I want you to be better. I want you to get better. I want--------you. 


	2. JUSTIN

Title: Reflections  
Author: EV  
e-mail: EVLYN827@cs.com  
summary: POV: Justin deals with the confusion of pushing Brian away.  
Spoilers: Based on episode 202  
Disclaimer: I have no claim to the characters--just the voices that live in my head.  
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Why didn't you come and see me? It's okay, it made me stronger in the end.  
  
I searched the streets. Colored neon lighting my way. Pushing and shoving--feeling small and alone. Fear. Searching for you. Strangers knocking me off balance. Simple sounds getting louder in my head. The sound of my breathing in syncopated rhythm with the beating of my heart. I searched for you--you never came looking for me. I remember that.  
  
You say that it's okay. But, it's not okay. It hurts me to watch you walk away from me. You act as if I don't want you. Like I have some control over the way I feel. My bruises and scrapes have healed. I look the same on the outside--except for this gimp hand. But I feel different on the inside. You're frustrated? So am I. I'm trapped. I'm alone with my memories--or lack of them. Each time I close my eyes the blackness gets blacker. If that's even possible?   
  
The demon haunts my dreams...allowing me to see the horror of that night--every night. Mercifully upon waking, the terrors are gone. The bad memories vanish--along with the good and leave me empty.   
  
What I can remember serves no purpose. I fell in love with you the first time your eyes met mine. I remember that. Why do you make me work so hard for this? I've waited so long. I've been patient. I gave myself to you and I've learned to expect nothing in return. You never disapoint me.  
  
I was there for you when you wanted me. I was there for you when I didn't want to be. Until now. Until tonight.  
  
What happened to me was not your fault nor was it mine. Why can't everyone just forget it--just leave me alone, to forget in peace. Try and move on. "Honey", "sweetie", "Sunshine". Chris Hobbs fuckin' bashes me in the head and suddenly everyone wants to infantilize me. Everyone, except you.  
  
The touch of your hand on my skin would melt me like ice in the summer sun. I remember that. Tonight--your touch burns like fire and I don't understand why. I can't explain it to you or to myself. You invite me to come closer--but what you mean is, roll over and stick your ass in the air. It's your way--and I accept that.  
  
What you don't know is that my memory has held certain things. Important things. The sparkle in your eyes when Gus smiles in your direction. The look of satisfaction on your face when you land the next big account. The words you whisper into my ear when no one else can hear. The way your arm wraps around my waist as you sleep--contentedly after a night spent together. Your hand on top, fingers interlaced with mine, penetrates me more deeply than the hardened flesh you pound into me.  
  
I've come to know you, better than you know yourself. I've studied you. I accept you for who you are and what you're not. You opened the door, just a crack, and let me in. Not meaning to, I guess. It was not in the plan--but it happened. Pain, that's a part of it. I remember that. I've slowly, gently peeled away your layers--and sometimes I cry.  
  
I'm not afraid of being with you...I'm afraid of being without you. 


	3. Michael

Title: Reflections  
Author: EV  
e-mail: EVLYN827@cs.com  
summary: Michael drives from the airport to the hospital.  
Spoilers: Episode 122   
Disclaimer: I have no claim to the characters--just the voices that live in my head.  
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What if I hadn't answered my phone? What if I'd turned it off? When I saw your number flash on my cell, my brain screamed to me "Ignore him!" But did I listen? Damn it! If you're playing one of your mind games again...making me run to you like you know I always will. Like you did when David and I went away that weekend. You tricked me into coming home early. Because you knew you could. You knew I would. You have your ways. If I hadn't answered I'd be on a plane right now, on a plane heading for Portland. I'd be sitting next to David making plans for a new life. Actually, the plans are made already. David is so organized--he's so together. I like that about him. I think.   
  
Instead I'm on my way to the hospital. Holy shit! What happened? You sounded so upset. You scared me at first. I've never heard that sound in your voice before. I've never heard your voice crack like that. You sounded scared---terrified. It reminded me of when you and I were kids. You'd come to my house in the middle of the night--when your father came home drunk. I'd wake up to the sound of the window sliding open and I tried not to move, kept my eyes closed--not let you know that I was awake. I was sure your cheeks were still tear stained. You never wanted me to see you like that. I knew--but I never let you know that I knew. That was my secret. I would feel you crawl onto my bed and lay on top of the comforter beside me--your hand outstretched on top of my shoulder. You just wanted to know that someone was there--someone that cared about you. When I woke up in the morning--you'd be gone. You couldn't let anyone see inside of you. But I did--when you weren't looking. You were so cool. You were acting then...but you're not acting now.  
  
What am I doing? Am I choosing you over David? Reality check. I can't have you--and I know that. I can have David. So what the fuck am I doing? You make one phone call and it changes my life forever. Man, do you have the power--The Flash, Superman and Captain Astro all rolled into one. Am I destined to be Galaxy Lad forever? I don't want to be your side kick anymore Brian. I don't want to be here day after day, night after night. Driving you home when you get a little too drunk. Watching you stuff a weeks pay up your nose. Stepping aside--making room for your latest trick. Picking up the pieces of your life. Or is it my life? I can't keep doing this. I won't. And yet--I do. What's wrong with me?   
  
Reality sucks!  
  
You called me because you need me. We've been best friends since we were fourteen. I've always been there for you. And no matter what I say or what I think I always will be. And, no matter what everyone else says--you'd be there for me too. You'd come to my rescue if I needed you to. You'd swim the deepest ocean for me...you climb the highest mountain for me. Jesus--where is this shit coming from? Well, I do believe that you'd risk your own life to save mine. I have to believe that--if I didn't, then what am I doing now? You're sort of like that really worn out faded pair of blue jeans. The pair with the holes in 'em. And no matter how many times my Mom tried to throw them out--I'd sneak 'em out of the trash bag and put them back in the bottom of my closet. They're comfortable. They're my favorites and I never want to give them away. I made a pact with you years ago and I am a man of my word. Even if you're not.   
  
Fuck you Brian! Fuck you for doing this to me again. Fuck you for screwing with my life!  
  
Shit! Hang on Brian...I'm on my way. 


	4. David

Title: Reflections  
Author: EV  
e-mail: EVLYN827@cs.com  
Disclaimer: I have no claim to the characters--just the voices that live in my head.  
Spoilers: Based on episode 122  
Summary: David stares at the unoccupied seat next to him on the plane as he flies to Portland.  
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I dreamed about you. I dreamed about sharing my life with you. I wanted you and I thought that you wanted me too. I was sure that we could make our lives mesh. I could get used to your comic books lying on my coffee table. I want to see your Captain Astro figurine as it adorns my wine cabinet. I want that. I want it all and I wanted you. But you have to want it too.   
  
Well, I guess this means you've made your decision. I'm disappointed but I'd be lying if I said that I'm surprised. I actually would have been shocked if I'd seen you making your way down the center aisle of this plane. Happy, yes--elated, absolutely--shocked, you betcha.   
  
You are so fortunate Michael. You have the love of a great family. You have close and wonderful life-long friends. You seem content in Pittsburgh. I asked you to make a difficult decision. Choose between the excitement of starting a new and love-filled life with me or the comfort and familiarity of your home and family. I know the choice is hard. I'm having to deal with making a similar choice. I need to return to my son. Hank is my only family now and he needs me. I need to be there for him. If you chose your family over me...that, I would have understood. After all, that's what I'm doing now. I would have accepted that you didn't want to leave your mother. I know that your close to your Uncle Vic. You'd miss the guys. I can understand that. But that's not it...is it? It's him.  
  
As long as Brian is in your life you'll never have to grow up. You'll never have to be alone. You'll never have to be an adult. You can spend your days working at a thankless job and your nights playing at Babylon. Playing Lois Lane to his Superman. You'll always be the sidekick. He'll never allow you to play the lead. He needs you--he has his own agenda. You call it friendship--even love. But it's not love. He'll never give you what you really want.  
  
It's not like I didn't know. He's all that matters to you. He's your world, your life. Everything you think about, everything you dream about, everything you know. He is who you think about whenever you close your eyes. I wanted to be that person. I wanted you to feel that way about me--about us. I tried. I tried to come between you and Brian--tried to win the battle because I believed you were worth fighting for. But it's clear to me now that I've lost.   
  
I can give you whatever you want. I can buy you cars and gold watches and comic books by the gross. I can take you to places you've never seen--only dreamed about. I can make your life comfortable. I can give you the life you deserve--the love you desire. But I can't give you what you need. Brian. He's become part of the air you breathe. I wish it could be me.   
  
Brian Kinney will never give you the one thing that you want most.  
  
I can. I will wait---but not forever. 


End file.
